Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Public Transportation and All that Jazz

Top Ten things that brings a smile to my face while riding the Metro train (for those of you who do not have public transportation…Metro trains are part of the Washington Metropolitan Transit Authority here in the District of Columbia).

10. Making sure my MP3 is blasting loud enough that everyone can hear. Okay, so I don’t do this…but seriously, for all you violators out there: TURN IT DOWN. I don’t wanna hear White Snake or MC Hammer or your Drum and Bass demo @ 7am. That’s just not right D.C.

9. Snuggling up to the poles. Nope, I’m not speaking of stripper poles kids…I’m talking about the rails/poles that are placed strategically so that the metro customers who are standing will have something to hold on to so that we do not fall when the train comes to a sudden stop. I love it when one person will basically snuggle up with the pole and read their Nora Roberts book or the oh so educational Washington Post…Really people? Don’t snuggle…or we all struggle…sigh...

8. Loud talking. I know, I know…how can I accuse anyone of doing this especially when I’m from the south and I have been guilty of talking loud. Honestly though, I know how to whisper on the train or just shut up, but apparently some people cannot keep it quiet. Today some girls were trying to figure out how to cheat their cable company… “ I think Cindy should call the cable company and say like, ‘My roommate has moved out and we can no longer afford our cable’ and then I can like, call tomorrow and have the cable turned back on but for a cheaper price.” Cindy’s very loud reply, “Like Oh My Goodness Bayleigh, you’re like way genius.” Oh yeah, she is a master mind…Did it ever occur to them that CEO of Comcast might be on the train on his way up to Capitol Hill for a meeting? GENIUS!!!!

7. The Barry White of Train Operators. I’m not sure who this guy is, but occasionally he is the train operator on my train line and honestly, I almost start crying and waving my hand in the air because he sounds like Barry White. In deep Barry White voice, “Next stop (imagine licking lips while smiling…LL Cool J style) FOGGY BOTTOM…” Oh yeah….foggy…wait…did I miss my stop….

6. Tourists. I especially love to hear them say things such as, “Oh honey I think we should get off at La Elephant Station Stop…” Ah, do you mean, “L’Enfant”? I mean, can't you at least attempt to say Le Infant? That's sounds better than La Elephant..... please people!

5. Ladies in sequin outfits. I’m not sure where they are going at 7am in a sequined dress, hat, socks, suit or all of those items, but I’m jealous! I wanna know what job says it is okay to wear sequins between the hours of 9am-5pm.

4. Nose Pickers. It seems strange to me that I live in the nation’s capital where percentage-wise people have more degrees than any other city in the USA and I see men…GROWN MEN…in ARMANI suits picking their noses…WHY?????

3. Awkward silences with Coworkers. Yeah, you might not know them well, but imagine your surprise when you see a coworker or supervisor on the same train as you. You say hello…they say hello back and then…SILENCE…because you don’t really talk to this person unless email has stopped working or the phone lines have been cut….very AWKWARD…..

2. Clutching my purse. I do this to aggravate people on my train line. I ride with a lot of yuppie folks and they seem to think that all people of color (no matter how professional, decent or friendly we look or act) are out to get their bookbags, purses, knapsacks, etc. I am a person of color and without fail, some lady or guy always clutches their purse/bag around me…like I’m gonna run away with it on a moving train….where the heck would I go…. Sooo to right the world and provide some balance, I clutch my purse around guys and gals (I’m an equal opportunity offender)….it is always amazing to see how offended they are when I fearfully (I’m a great actress) clutch my purse for dear life…as if they would steal it….the lesson kids: don’t judge folks on the basis of skin color…okay, there’s my Public Service Announcement for the day….

1. Sweaty armpits. Because my train is soooo crowded, I occasionally end up standing under the sweaty armpit of some very tall man. I know it’s not his fault but honestly, it's no fun being in that position and it is even stranger when the guy sorta hits on ya…dude, why are you hitting on me? I’m under your sweaty armpit…not cool or not dry in any way….

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

How to Effectively Hide From Friends that Pester You Alot.....

I, of course, would never do any of these things to my friends, but I have heard repeatly from other sources that they can't seem to escape their well meaning, slightly controlling friends. To help those people, I have devised this list (this list can also be utilized to escape ex-boy/girlfriends):

10) Change your cell phone number every few months. When they complain about you missing their call, you can tell them that you didn't receive a call from this way, you give them the honest truth.

9) If you walk to work or drive to work, do not take the same route more than twice in a week. I have found that persistent friends tend to be lurking around travel routes in hopes of trapping you into some tedious conversation.

8) Get rid of your gmail account. They know when you are logged on or not...of course, you could just block them, but then they might ask another friend if they are having issues seeing you on GMAIL and well....that could turn into a a sticky situation for the other friend and you....Just stick with yahoo or hotmail....

7) Park your car behind your house....this will force them to have to call you and by then you will have.... (see below)

6) Caller ID: a wonderful invention! If asked whether you are screening calls, be honest. Tell them, "When I get home, I concentrate on family time" or if you are single, "Home is santuary for me and I try to take time to decompress from the world when I am at my abode. If I do not answer the phone, it is not a rejection of you but a rejection of all that might continue to add to my stress."

5) Change your hairstyle. If you are blond, go red. If you have straight hair, go afro-licious (this includes my people of non-color...don't fear the 'fro).

4) Go to the temple, mosque, meeting place, or church at a different time. Many religious organizations have different services....You might even consider trying a different denomination or sect within your religion...i.e. you were baptist but now you are presbytarian....great opportunity to learn something new.....

3) Develop halitosis...this is extreme but effective in dissuading long winded conversations with pesky friends.

2) Wear Elizabeth Taylor perfumes (white diamonds, purple diamonds, and any of the other diamonds she might have)....that always seems to drive people away.

1) Bleach or darken your skin (whatever is opposite of what you are), wear a shiny glove on one hand, and walk around with a monkey named "Bubbles". Monkeys can be expensive. Check ebay. They have EVERTHING! If a real monkey is not an option, go for the stuffed animal version. I would try the local zoo. Their stuffed animals have a better likeness to the real thing.

Monday, June 11, 2007

How to deal with a UBER insecure friend.....

I believe that when dealing with insecure friends, sometimes you can't baby them. Especially if they consistently whine about their insecurities. In the past, I would try to tell them that they didn't need to be insecure about whatever their issue happened to be, but I found that this only lead to more whining. The list below should be used with EXTREME caution and only for the worst type of insecure friend....for anyone who hasn't guessed that I am completely kidding, let me state that I AM COMPLETELY KIDDING!

5) Confirm their worst insecurities...if they say they're fat, agree with them....if they say a person they are interested in will never like them, agree with them...and actually, point out that the reason the person is not into them has nada to do with them being a horrible person, but everything to do with their crazy insecurities.

4) If confirming their worst insecurities does not work, ignore their comments. Begin to sing a song...such as, "This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because…” (repeat to infinity)

3) If their insecurity involves anything about their physical appearence, make sure to give them gifts that confirm the insecurity i.e. clothes that are too big for them, the phone number of a great breat augmentation center, etc.

2) Mention how much more you would love them or find them attractive if they were not ______ (write insecurity here i.e. fat, ugly, stupid, etc.).

1) Mention that you may have to walk away from your friendship because their insecurities are starting to impact the way you live...for example, you can't eat a donut without thinking how fat the insecure friend would become if he/she were eating the donut.....Gaaahhhhh, talk about ruining your tastey treat experience.......

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Things I'm Gonna Do For My Wedding

These are all tricks I've learned from my friends and glad they showed me all these nifty things that will make my future wedding day a success!

10) Make sure that my dresses come from the best dress maker in the world: David's Bridal.

9) Choose a date around a holiday because this will be the most effortless way to make sure my guests can't come since traveling on, before, during, or after holidays is very expensive (example: Christmas, Labor Day, 4th of July, etc).

8) Choose colors like lovely lilac, acidic aquamarine, or i'm not a waitress red for bridesmaids to ensure they will never wear the dress again...I'm a one dress for every occassion kinda gal.

7) Demand that everyone wear the same fabulous payless dyed shoes....soooo comfortable....

6) Constantly remind everyone that it is "MY" wedding thus it shall be my way or the highway...

5) Alienate single friends by reminding them that they are so old and sooo single....then ask, "What is wrong with you that no one will marry you?"

4) Have all my bridesmaids have the same hair style...right now, I'm thinking Mardi Gras colored braids...that will be a first for all my white friends....I love helping people open up to new experiences.

3) Swear that the dress I have selected for my bridesmaids are UBER flattering....I think everyone looks good in fishtail dresses with ruffles.....

2) Throw a themed bridal shower with my affianced: "Pirates and Princess!" All would have to dress appropriately.

1) Have a couples only dance....once again, I'm just trying to make it apparent how alone the single folks are....don't want them thinking they are happy in their single state....what kinda sicko would I be then.

I'm here world.....

First and foremost, I would like to say PHO!!!!!!!!!! If any of you are familar with the Vietnamese noodle soup you know how to pronouce that word and it is not prounouced "fo". Anyways, just wanted to see how this worked and my next post will be of more substance.