Friday, May 16, 2008

The Fragrance of Love at the Gym

Top reasons I wish I could get over myself and talk to the cute guy at my gym:

I’m convinced we already have something in common: We like to work out. In fact, now that I fearlessly walk into gym man-land (commonly called free weights zone), he and I have more in common…now if only he and I could talk.

I’m not sure, but I think he’s checking me out sometimes. The reverse of that is he might be wondering why my strength exercise form (still working on doing the “dead man” lift correctly) is still a bit sloppy.

I could return my focus back to proper exercise form and listening to inspiring music on my MP3. Great songs such as, “Don’t stop Believin” by Journey or “Blame it on the Rain” by Milli Vanilli deserve my full attention. Oh wait, I reckon Milli Vanilli didn’t “actually” sing that song...oh well…you know what I mean.

So I can stop thinking of him as the 'gym guy'. If we ever get around to introductions and I learn his real name, I probably mistakenly call him 'gym guy' because that's been his name in my head for way to long.

I’ve seen the other girls checking him out, but he doesn’t seem to notice them. When I come in, I see the subtle look he gives me…of course, he could have something in his eye…or he could be looking at me…or he could like me…or he could like me not…dag-nabit!

I might actually have more than 2 dates this year. Honestly, what does it take to get a guy to ask you out…and I’m not talking about those guys with their tongues out looking you over as if you are the freshest piece of fried chicken in the KFC bucket…eeeewwwww

I can wear my Steve Madden heals and not feel so self conscious when I'm standing next to my man. See, gym guy is tall. And since I’m a tall lady, I will not have to tower over him or when we slow dance, he won’t try to rest his head on my breasts.

He could be fun. He might like to dance, go karaoke, dramatically act out parts of the bible and do other activities with me.

He behaves like a grown man. I’m over being in like with 27 year old guys who act like 5th graders. You know who I'm talking about...those guys who treat you like a girlfriend, but has never asked you out. Those guys who want to spend time with you and tell you all their problems, but for some reason asks out girls that have no interest in the "real" them. I decided last year I was done with these fake boyfriends. I want a real Man-friend. I get the feeling that gym guy is a MAN. Like he's not afraid of hard work...Yep, gym guy seems fly and that’s what a sistah wants these days…

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Metro Wishes Today and All That Jazz

Top ten things I wish would have happened on Metro today:

Dancing. This is how I see it happening: A woman dressed in a Chiquita banana outfit steps on the train at Farragut West and says, “ Ello, metro cous-tim-airs! Tu-day we Salsa!” Then Celia Cruz starts playing over the loud speakers and one by one, stuffy orange line customers begin to salsa…Ole!

Connections. You know what I mean. The torrid eye affair you’ve been having with that cute guy or gal for 3 weeks, but neither of you have actually done or said anything to make it past eye contact. Come on people…let’s make a love connection…

Manners. Why are you telling your wife about your horrible day on your Verizon cell phone while in the prescence of people you don't know on public transportation? Do you think I want to know how much you hate your boss? I don’t! Get off the phone.

Fewer Tunnel Fires. Again for those not familiar with subway train riding, occasionally a fire happens inside the tunnels on the tracks…very smoky…which leads me to---

More Concerned Metro Customers: When most people smell smoke, they think, “FIRE!” Well, not on metro. I have seen a haze of smoke so thick you'd think we were in a Cigar Lounge. Everytime this happens, I look up to make sure my contacts are not drying out and giving my vision a smokey glaze. I am one of 2 or 3 passengers that usually notices. When I first moved here I thought I was crazy…then I realized later, I just wasn’t desensitized yet…

ODE TO CUBICLE-LAND: Land of the Cubites

Soooo many people in the Washington DC area are living the Cubicle lifestyle…relegated to small squarish spaces for 8-10 hours a day can only create some real craziness. I have discovered though that there are wonderful things about domiciling in Cubicle-land:

Listening to other people’s radios. I’m not sure why some Cubites (people who live in Cubicle-land) believe bringing a radio or small television is appropriate in our shared kingdom. Of course I can hear your dang radio! No matter how low the volume, I can hear Steve Harvey or Bob Barker aka Drew Carey on the Price is Right. Instead of “Come on Down”, you should “Turn it down” so that all of us can listen to the happy sounds of keyboarding, copy machines, telephones and closing doors in the office.

Soap Opera like drama. When one of my coworkers literally balled up a report and threw it at her team leader and cussed (yes children, CUSSED…not cursed…cursed would mean she was still speaking in proper English while sprinkling her language with a few inappropriate curse words…CUSSED means she was speaking her version of English …inappropriate and non-standard of course…this doesn’t always mean Ebonics folks…this could refer to when Spanish speakers Spanglish when they are upset) the team leader for being alive. I thought I was seeing the reincarnation of Marlena on Days of Our Lives being possessed by the devil…

The passing of gas. Okay, I know we all do it…but honestly, some people seem to do it more frequently and it is soooo much more horrible…I cannot believe that someone can emit that sort of foulness…

Counseling sessions. Maybe it’s me…maybe having the face of an angel some how convinces people that I really want to listen to their issues. I’m not sure what prompts people to come and sit in my extra cubicle chair, but I listen to a lot of problems. I keep my head down and directed at my computer screen, but my coworkers do not take the hint…nope…here’s the conversation, “Hey there! Are you busy? (at this point, I try to say yes, but I am quickly cut off) Well, you will not believe what X said to me today. I don’t know why people take their frustrations out on me. It isn’t my fault that he can’t supervise…blah, blah, blah, blah…”

Water Thievery. At my job, if you want premium filtered water (not the fountain tap water), you have to join the Water Club. I joined this club because the Deer Park Dispenser was very close to my cube. What ensued after my joining has turned into an office version of COPS. I see people… like GS 13 types…(for those not familiar with the government pay scale, a GS 13 makes 79K at a minimum) sneaking to the Water Club tank and stealing water (water club dues is $6 a month). What is truly hilarious is that the Water Club coordinator has asked me on several occasions to be part of her water club sting. I declined because I didn’t want to run the risk of ever carrying a water gun…that goes against my moral code…

Hater-ation. This term refers to those people who for various reasons (jealousy, envy, mean spiritedness, or my favorite: plain old evil) hate on nice people who sometimes make a faux pas at work. For example, there is this lady who is in her mid to late 40s at my office and she's in great shape. She sometimes wears outfits that are questionable…shirt with huge V neckline where her Vicki’s secret bra is not a secret anymore…or mini mini skirts… Anyways, she’s a nice person and does her work, but people still focus on her fashion funnies. They hate on her with comments such as, “Can you believe she came to work looking like that? Oh my goodness, no wonder all the men stare at her boobs and not her face…I can’t believe people like that have children….no wonder young girls with mothers like her become hoochies…” Here’s a PSA moment kids: If you have an issue with your coworker, don’t say nasty things behind his/her back…don’t hate, player…help! Go to the coworker and tell them your issue…then congratulate yourself for being an adult and not a high school bully…

Monday, January 28, 2008

Hair and all that Jazzz

Soooooo, most of you know I embarked on a natural hair journey last year (for the clueless: I cut off the permed/relaxed/ chemically fried part of my hair and let the natural curls grow loose and free).

What's been interesting is the way people feel free to make comments about my hair. “Wow, a bird could land in that bird’s nest.” Seriously, that was a comment I got this last weekend and it was said by someone I consider a friend. Why do people say things like that??? When I have a comment about someone’s style that could be seen as negative, I forgo saying the comment (unless specifically asked and in that case I try to be honest but kind). I figure it's not worth hurting someone’s feelings inadvertently…anyways, I decided to do a list of pet peeves concerning my hair and other people…

6. Black people have curly hair? Yes, Toto, black people have curly hair. In fact, all black people, for the most part, have curly hair in it’s natural state. Most of us (black folks--especially women) have been brainwashed to believe that only straight hair is beautiful (and I'm not saying straight hair is ugly...I'm only stating that beautiful can be more than just straight hair). With the USA’s history of unkind dealings with minority populations, it isn’t shocking that said minority populations try to fit in by changing their appearance to be more in line with the majority. WHAT THE FRENCH FRIES??!!!! (WTFF)

5. Ignorant questions. I know that people do not always understand things outside of their specific paradigm, but seriously, if I can manage to know something about you culturally perhaps you could do the same. For example, I have been told by many of my less melaninated friends that they wash their hair more often because they tend to have a build up of oil on their scalp that makes their hair feel greasy...not all white people feel this way, but many that I have encountered have said this. Now, I didn't come by this information by asking rude questions. I asked approachable non offensive questions like: What type of shampoo/conditioner do you use? How much do you use in a week? Do you wash fairly often? Now, contrast these questions with the ones I'm asked, “How can you stand using oil in your hair? Don’t you feel you hair is greasy? You must break a lot of combs, huh? Do you even use a comb on that (person pointing)?”

4. Are dreads real hair? YES! JUDAS FROSTED PRIEST! I don’t have dreads, but seriously even I know that…..WTFF

3. Dry hair vs. Wet hair: Honestly, I am talking about educated people…many of them scientists who ask this question: “Why is your hair shorter right now than 2 hours ago?” "As I mentioned when I walked in the door (I try to preempt a lot of these questions), my hair is wet and will be dry in 2 hours or so." Let’s see: Curly hair is essentially a coil that when wet because of the weight of the actual water molecule on the coil is weighted down and actually gives viewers an idea of the true length of the curly haired person's hair…as the water dissipates and moisturizes the cuticle and hair, the weight of the water is removed and allows the coil to draw up…Ka-Blaaaamm! Shorter dry hair versus longer wet hair…

2. Why don’t you straighten your hair more often? I like answering questions with questions: “Why don’t you wear colored contacts more often?” Probably cuz you don’t like putting bits of plastic in your eye unless you absolutely have to…and honestly, what’s wrong with your natural colored eye? Nothing!!! Exactly, nothing is wrong with my curly hair and I hate applying heat to my hair (very damaging since curly hair tends to lack moisture)…straight hair days are only for times I REALLY…REALLY…want to do something a bit different with my look…otherwise, this is me dummies!

1. IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT REALLY BOILS MY WATER, IT IS TOUCHING MY HAIR WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!!!!!!!!! Why The French Fries (WTFF) do people feel like they can do this…Really, I only see this done to black people. Never in my civilized experience would I ever think it ok to be as personal with someone by touching their hair…and even if their hair was inlaid with gold and I just couldn’t help myself, I wouldn’t pet them…which is what happens to me. The worst is when people touch my hair and then discretely (although, I always catch them) as possible rub their hands on their pants or shirt to rub away…I guess the greasiness of my hair or something. Wait, first you violate me by taking liberties with my person and then insult me by rubbing away what you perceive to be dirty…WOW! I don’t know what to say to you except…DON’T TOUCH ME!!!!!!!!!!!